Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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