I met the friendliest cop last night
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
