There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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