he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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