he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
