tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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