The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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