I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She even gives head with a lisp.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
