I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
