2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
