The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
