My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
