mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
