woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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