so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
