If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
