Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
