Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
