I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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