Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
