I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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