that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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