Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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