My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
