Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
