What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
