Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole