I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i already hear my dad disowning me
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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