I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There's even glitter on my cock...
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