I can tuck mytits in my pants
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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