Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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