Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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