You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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