My friends, they love my intelligence
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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