Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
