I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I FOUND THE LEGS
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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