Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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