Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
