On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
