I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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