Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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