New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
