i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
