On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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