dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
