Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
