Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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