i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
