She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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