I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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