you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
