The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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