Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
