You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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