it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
