Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
