It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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